The First Ex ...

... was my childhood sweetheart I guess.

He was so handsome, I couldn't really believed that this gorgeous blond muscly bloke wanted anything to do with someone as ugly as me.

He wrote in his CSE English paper that he was going to marry me. And he did. When I was 22 and he was 23.

But I wasn't enough for him and he looked elsewhere.

Early on in our marriage I developed a medical condition which made sex very painful for me. Unfortunately, he was very highly sexed and when I said 'no' to him, rows would develop and he would be verbally nasty towards me. He really couldn't comprehend the amount of pain it left me in.

So, in the end I used to just let him have what he wanted - despite the pain and despite me not wanting to have sex because of the pain. It was easier to give in to his demands than live with the verbal abuse I'd get otherwise.

Every few months there would be a huge argument and I'd threaten to leave unless he changed his ways regarding the sex. I couldn't be absolutely sure about the other woman - there were rumours and I was suspicious, so we never actually rowed about that. He'd promise to be more understanding about my pain - and he would be for a little while. And then he'd just revert to his old ways.

However, there came a time when I think he realised that I might actually go through with my threat of leaving him. He was in the process of leaving the army and was living up North, I was living down South with friends until he'd found a job. My plan then was to go back up North, find a job and leave him. He'd come down at weekends to see me. One weekend he wouldn't let me out of the tiny boxroom I stayed in, unless it was to go to the toilet. And even then he stood outside - scared in case I tried to escape I guess. As he had been an Army boxer, his whole physicality was very threatening.

And then it was time for me to return up North. By this time I'd developed a friendship with the man who would eventually become my second ex-husband! Ex No 1 discovered this and there was hell to pay!

He raped me. More than once. He refuses to believe that he actually did this. But one time he threatened that if I didn't "buck back" he'd kill me. He beat me up.

Another time he held me prisoner in a room. He again threatened to kill me "one punch and you'll be dead" was one of the threats I received. He cut up all my clothes and some treasured photographs. He damaged presents I'd received from other people.

By the time we went to Court for me to get an injunction out against him, I owned a pair of white jeans, a cream jumper and a pair of Doc Marten boots. He actually looked more injured than me when we got there. I had, quite accidentally, in the middle of him beating me up managed to elbow him in the eye - so he was sporting a wonderful black eye! When he'd raped me, he'd held my arms down and the only way I could defend myself was by biting his cheek - I believe he still bears the scars to this day!

Surprisingly, we're now friends (although I know he'll be cross with me if he reads this). His uncle was quite ill, which prompted me to get in touch with Ex Hubby No 1 - just in case we had to encounter each other at the uncle's funeral (thankfully it never came to that!!)

We annoy each other, fall out with each other, take the piss out of each other, don't talk to each other for days - yet we both know that, actually, we'll always be there for each other.

Life's weird isn't it?

Para xxx