I Had Kinda Forgotten That ...

... falling for someone also means that you open yourself up to being hurt or upset by the one you've fallen for.

And why, after two marriages and the manfest I've indulged in this year, do I still not really understand blokes?! And why am I not hardened to it? Damn, I'm such a girl!

I dunno if he's grumpy/tired cos of work/pissed off with me! I don't know him that well enough to be able to judge his moods. In some respects it seems like he's always been there, in others it's still that voyage of discovery of someone new and all their idiosyncrasies.

Then there's that fleeting moment when I think that he never wants to see me again. And it scares me. And I hate myself for allowing myself to feel so vulnerable, cos all I want to do is feel secure and in control.

And it's the part of me that wants control that needs controlling!! If that makes any sense! As it makes me fantasise about things I could do to feel in control - and actually, those things aren't good things! And I'm not going to explain any further as I can't bring myself to type them down, cos they're too hurtful. And the one who matters knows me well enough to guess what I mean.

However, I've received an apology - and that makes me feel better.

Para xxx