How I Feel Now ...

1. Cheated. I should be 17 weeks now. I should have a very visible bump. We should be almost halfway to becoming a little family. I feel like I've been cheated out of my future. I was looking forward to swapping my current job to the more rewarding job of being a mum to babypara and looking after Mr Para, before maternity leave ended. And now I haven't got that. It was such a huge relief to be able to look forward to doing something meaningful.
2. Cheated. I feel my life is on hold. I want to get away from this job as it just serves to remind me me of the future I've lost. And yet, is it fair or practical to find a new job if there's the chance I might be pregnant again soon? If indeed I actually become pregnant again.
3. Scared. That I won't be pregnant again. Scared of November coming round when our little ones should have been born.
4. Depressed. Because our babies died. Because I can't start ttc yet until Mr Para's fully fit. And yet having the hope that I could become pregnant is the one thing that will make feel a bit better, and being pregnant would be a great help to my recovery.
5. Cheated. Because when/if I do become pregnant again, I won't be able to enjoy it as much as I should as I'll worry about another baby dying.
6. Tired. Feeling so depressed wears me out Trying to appear not so depressed wears me out even more.
7. Guilty. Because Mr Para has to put up with all this crap.
8. Cheated. Because that little invisible link between me and Mr Para has gone. Being pregnant with his babies was amazing, despite feeling nauseous and tired. But there's an invisible link between you when you're pregnant. A part of Mr Para was growing inside me, we were inextricably linked together - and I need that back. It's more than just the baby, it's being part of a family and belonging.

This is a WIP

Para xxx

Memories of 14th April ...

... Sorry, but it's all consuming.

1. Pain. And lots of it.
2. Blood. And lots of it.
3. The ambulance being freezing cold.
4. The clock in the ambulance telling the wrong time.
5. Holding two of the sacs when they came out - dropping one when I didn't realise what it was, but keeping hold of the other for a moment when I realised.
6. Feeling relieved when they came out as the pain stopped. (And now feeling guilty for feeling relieved.)
7. The gorgeous mashed potato they served for lunch.
8. Mr Para coming to hold my hand when they told me about cremating the babies, as that's when I got upset.
9. Intense boredom waiting to be discharged.

At some point I'm sure I'll begin to feel vaguely normal again. I should be 17 weeks pregnant by now.

Para xxx

It's always there ...

... at the forefront of my mind. No matter what I do. No matter if I'm supposed to be busy at work.

It feels like there's a big hole in my chest. Very empty feeling.

Para xxx

For 11 Years ...

... I've been desperately wanting a baby.

I did my teacher training so's I'd be able to support a family and spend time in the hols with them.

I grieved over babies I wouldn't have and got used to living life with a vital part missing. And I've wandered through life without much of a purpose. Although I've never fully got used to how useless you feel if you're not a mum.

And finally there's a man who'd make a fabulous dad for my babies and then I get pregnant and I can't even manage to keep hold onto just one of them. How useless does that make me feel now? Even though being pregnant made me very tired and feel very ill, at least I had a purpose and I felt more whole. Now I just have a big hole again. And I'm fed up of having a big hole and bimbling along in stupid job after stupid job just because I don't have something more worthwhile doing.

Para xxx

My Lost Babies ...

... I had my dating scan and there were three. But they were too tiny to see properly, so I never even got a picture of the scan.

One was bigger than the others, but there was a problem with that one.

The radiographer said they were either too small to see or I'd had a missed miscarriage. A missed miscarriage is where there's no evidence of there having been a miscarriage.

Well, they were completely wrong on that score!

As two days later I had a miscarriage and lost my babies. Two came away in my hand. The other one, they say will have been reabsorbed back into my body. All I can do is hope against all hope that they got it wrong again as they didn't do a scan or a pregnancy test to check that I wasn't pregnant.

The pain was horrendous. Like my body was being ripped in two, which I guess it was. And my heart was certainly ripped to shreds.

And although I have to keep thinking that it was for the best, there's another part of me that just wants to be with my babies as waking up every day is too difficult and too painful.

xxx

Week 11 ...

... well it's my dating scan tomorrow.

And just look at my belly:

It's gonna be huuuuuuuuuuge soon!

This is what it will look like inside:

Apparently it's the size of a lime. I wonder why they chose lime and not lemon? Are lemons bigger than limes perhaps?

Well, at least that accounts for the belly. And it's not just the two fondant fancies I had last night!

Para xxx

Update on New Year's Resolutions!

It's the end of the first quarter, so it's time to have an update:

1. Have more sex! - Well this HASN'T happened (thanks to Mr Para's hernia!!) But obviously it's the quality that counts as I'm now expecting!
2. Lose a stone - I did start doing this, but there's the small matter of another human being growing inside me which means I'm unable to lose weight!
3. Eat more fruit and veg. This one's a bit hit and miss. Sometimes i do really well, others (like this past fortnight) I'm rubbish at it!
4. Write at least one letter each month. This I HAVE done. Unfortunately I've discovered a pal's in prison, so I've been writing to him (more of that in another post)
5. Run! I was doing so well at this - but my boobs are now too painful!!

Para xxx

A Nine Week Old ParaBump ...

... And this is what it will look like inside me:

It looks rather like a prawn!

And its fingers are becoming more visible:

Thanks to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/ for the pictures!

It's making me feel incredibly tired. Can sleep ten hours a night and still have a nap in the afternoon! I feel nauseous ALL the time - but haven't thrown up, and my boobs are so sore! Last week they were so sore I could have cried. Which is another thing I could do a lot - cry! How emotional am I?!

Am not looking forward to going back to work this week (and not just because there'll have been a myriad of things gone wrong in my absence!) - how am I going to survive? Doing anything exhausts me! I wish I could just chill for the next seven months! And have lots of snoozes!

Have bought my first maternity frock (cos it was in the sale):

http://www.mothercare.com/gp/product/B00116QYQQ/sr=1-1/qid=1206867368/ref=sr_1_1/203-0922050-0167919?ie=UTF8&m=A2LBKNDJ2KZUGQ&n=42793041&mcb=core

But was very disappointed to discover that maternity bras at Mothercare only go up to an E cup! I was an F cup pre-pregnancy!!! And apparently you can go up two cup sizes!

Para xxx

ParaBump!

OHMIGOD - the unthinkable has happened! Para is PREGNANT!!!!!!

A Valentine's Night baby! And Mr Para with a hernia and all!

And here we have ParaBump at Nine Weeks (if you go by the Doc's reckoning) or Seven Weeks (if you go by mine!!)

All we need to do now is wait for Mr Para to sort out the back bedroom (which he is going to decorate with dinosaurs!) and we can turn it into ParaBump's bedroom!

Para xxx

Stuff ...

... Mr Para has a lot of it.

It's taking over my house at the moment in preparation for Mr Para moving in.

My semi-clutter-free existence is over

Para xxx

Work Anxiety ...

... Am having wobbles over work at the moment.

Just don't think I'm good enough to do it. Nothing concrete to base that on really; it's just that I don't feel I'm a very effective worker.

I think that I need more flexibility than being an employee can give. Somehow I need to come up with something where I can work for myself - and I know that brings its own problems! But I have done it before and I was very comfortable with working like that.

I think half of the problem is that I get bored quite quickly. Not that I don't like my job - I love it! I just don't particularly think I'm very good at it, and already I'm getting quite restless.

Advice would be nice.

Para xxx

Weyhey ...

... Fame at last!

Am in the TES magazine - a blinkin great big pic of me! Am hoping old (nice) colleagues see it and so they'll know I'm OK!

Hehehehehe!

Para xxx

New Year's Resolutions

1. Have more sex!
2. Lose a stone (which roughly I guess what I must have put on since I met Mr Para!)
3. Eat more fruit and veg.
4. Write at least one letter each month.
5. Run!

I shall endeavour to review this every quarter!

Happy New Year!

Para xxx