... I've been desperately wanting a baby.
I did my teacher training so's I'd be able to support a family and spend time in the hols with them.
I grieved over babies I wouldn't have and got used to living life with a vital part missing. And I've wandered through life without much of a purpose. Although I've never fully got used to how useless you feel if you're not a mum.
And finally there's a man who'd make a fabulous dad for my babies and then I get pregnant and I can't even manage to keep hold onto just one of them. How useless does that make me feel now? Even though being pregnant made me very tired and feel very ill, at least I had a purpose and I felt more whole. Now I just have a big hole again. And I'm fed up of having a big hole and bimbling along in stupid job after stupid job just because I don't have something more worthwhile doing.
Para xxx
Wednesday, 23 April 2008
Tuesday, 22 April 2008
My Lost Babies ...
... I had my dating scan and there were three. But they were too tiny to see properly, so I never even got a picture of the scan.
One was bigger than the others, but there was a problem with that one.
The radiographer said they were either too small to see or I'd had a missed miscarriage. A missed miscarriage is where there's no evidence of there having been a miscarriage.
Well, they were completely wrong on that score!
As two days later I had a miscarriage and lost my babies. Two came away in my hand. The other one, they say will have been reabsorbed back into my body. All I can do is hope against all hope that they got it wrong again as they didn't do a scan or a pregnancy test to check that I wasn't pregnant.
The pain was horrendous. Like my body was being ripped in two, which I guess it was. And my heart was certainly ripped to shreds.
And although I have to keep thinking that it was for the best, there's another part of me that just wants to be with my babies as waking up every day is too difficult and too painful.
xxx
One was bigger than the others, but there was a problem with that one.
The radiographer said they were either too small to see or I'd had a missed miscarriage. A missed miscarriage is where there's no evidence of there having been a miscarriage.
Well, they were completely wrong on that score!
As two days later I had a miscarriage and lost my babies. Two came away in my hand. The other one, they say will have been reabsorbed back into my body. All I can do is hope against all hope that they got it wrong again as they didn't do a scan or a pregnancy test to check that I wasn't pregnant.
The pain was horrendous. Like my body was being ripped in two, which I guess it was. And my heart was certainly ripped to shreds.
And although I have to keep thinking that it was for the best, there's another part of me that just wants to be with my babies as waking up every day is too difficult and too painful.
xxx
Thursday, 10 April 2008
Week 11 ...
... well it's my dating scan tomorrow.
And just look at my belly:
It's gonna be huuuuuuuuuuge soon!
This is what it will look like inside:
Apparently it's the size of a lime. I wonder why they chose lime and not lemon? Are lemons bigger than limes perhaps?
Well, at least that accounts for the belly. And it's not just the two fondant fancies I had last night!
Para xxx
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