How I Feel Now ...

1. Cheated. I should be 17 weeks now. I should have a very visible bump. We should be almost halfway to becoming a little family. I feel like I've been cheated out of my future. I was looking forward to swapping my current job to the more rewarding job of being a mum to babypara and looking after Mr Para, before maternity leave ended. And now I haven't got that. It was such a huge relief to be able to look forward to doing something meaningful.
2. Cheated. I feel my life is on hold. I want to get away from this job as it just serves to remind me me of the future I've lost. And yet, is it fair or practical to find a new job if there's the chance I might be pregnant again soon? If indeed I actually become pregnant again.
3. Scared. That I won't be pregnant again. Scared of November coming round when our little ones should have been born.
4. Depressed. Because our babies died. Because I can't start ttc yet until Mr Para's fully fit. And yet having the hope that I could become pregnant is the one thing that will make feel a bit better, and being pregnant would be a great help to my recovery.
5. Cheated. Because when/if I do become pregnant again, I won't be able to enjoy it as much as I should as I'll worry about another baby dying.
6. Tired. Feeling so depressed wears me out Trying to appear not so depressed wears me out even more.
7. Guilty. Because Mr Para has to put up with all this crap.
8. Cheated. Because that little invisible link between me and Mr Para has gone. Being pregnant with his babies was amazing, despite feeling nauseous and tired. But there's an invisible link between you when you're pregnant. A part of Mr Para was growing inside me, we were inextricably linked together - and I need that back. It's more than just the baby, it's being part of a family and belonging.

This is a WIP

Para xxx

Memories of 14th April ...

... Sorry, but it's all consuming.

1. Pain. And lots of it.
2. Blood. And lots of it.
3. The ambulance being freezing cold.
4. The clock in the ambulance telling the wrong time.
5. Holding two of the sacs when they came out - dropping one when I didn't realise what it was, but keeping hold of the other for a moment when I realised.
6. Feeling relieved when they came out as the pain stopped. (And now feeling guilty for feeling relieved.)
7. The gorgeous mashed potato they served for lunch.
8. Mr Para coming to hold my hand when they told me about cremating the babies, as that's when I got upset.
9. Intense boredom waiting to be discharged.

At some point I'm sure I'll begin to feel vaguely normal again. I should be 17 weeks pregnant by now.

Para xxx

It's always there ...

... at the forefront of my mind. No matter what I do. No matter if I'm supposed to be busy at work.

It feels like there's a big hole in my chest. Very empty feeling.

Para xxx