Para's Private Parts

How I Feel Now ...

2008-05-28T06:11:00.004Z

Cheated. I should be 17 weeks now. I should have a very visible bump. We should be almost halfway to becoming a little family. I feel like I've been cheated out of my future. I was looking forward to swapping my current job to the more rewarding job of being a mum to babypara and looking after Mr Para, before maternity leave ended. And now I haven't got that. It was such a huge relief to be able to look forward to doing something meaningful.
Cheated. I feel my life is on hold. I want to get away from this job as it just serves to remind me me of the future I've lost. And yet, is it fair or practical to find a new job if there's the chance I might be pregnant again soon? If indeed I actually become pregnant again.
Scared. That I won't be pregnant again. Scared of November coming round when our little ones should have been born.
Depressed. Because our babies died. Because I can't start ttc yet until Mr Para's fully fit. And yet having the hope that I could become pregnant is the one thing that will make feel a bit better, and being pregnant would be a great help to my recovery.
Cheated. Because when/if I do become pregnant again, I won't be able to enjoy it as much as I should as I'll worry about another baby dying.
Tired. Feeling so depressed wears me out Trying to appear not so depressed wears me out even more.
Guilty. Because Mr Para has to put up with all this crap.
Cheated. Because that little invisible link between me and Mr Para has gone. Being pregnant with his babies was amazing, despite feeling nauseous and tired. But there's an invisible link between you when you're pregnant. A part of Mr Para was growing inside me, we were inextricably linked together - and I need that back. It's more than just the baby, it's being part of a family and belonging.

This is a WIP

Para xxx

Memories of 14th April ...

2008-05-27T13:26:00.002Z

... Sorry, but it's all consuming.

Pain. And lots of it.
Blood. And lots of it.
The ambulance being freezing cold.
The clock in the ambulance telling the wrong time.
Holding two of the sacs when they came out - dropping one when I didn't realise what it was, but keeping hold of the other for a moment when I realised.
Feeling relieved when they came out as the pain stopped. (And now feeling guilty for feeling relieved.)
The gorgeous mashed potato they served for lunch.
Mr Para coming to hold my hand when they told me about cremating the babies, as that's when I got upset.
Intense boredom waiting to be discharged.

At some point I'm sure I'll begin to feel vaguely normal again. I should be 17 weeks pregnant by now.

Para xxx

It's always there ...

2008-05-16T18:04:00.003Z

... at the forefront of my mind. No matter what I do. No matter if I'm supposed to be busy at work.

It feels like there's a big hole in my chest. Very empty feeling.

Para xxx

For 11 Years ...

2008-04-23T08:11:00.004Z

... I've been desperately wanting a baby.

I did my teacher training so's I'd be able to support a family and spend time in the hols with them.

I grieved over babies I wouldn't have and got used to living life with a vital part missing. And I've wandered through life without much of a purpose. Although I've never fully got used to how useless you feel if you're not a mum.

And finally there's a man who'd make a fabulous dad for my babies and then I get pregnant and I can't even manage to keep hold onto just one of them. How useless does that make me feel now? Even though being pregnant made me very tired and feel very ill, at least I had a purpose and I felt more whole. Now I just have a big hole again. And I'm fed up of having a big hole and bimbling along in stupid job after stupid job just because I don't have something more worthwhile doing.

Para xxx

My Lost Babies ...

2008-04-22T08:33:00.002Z

... I had my dating scan and there were three. But they were too tiny to see properly, so I never even got a picture of the scan.

One was bigger than the others, but there was a problem with that one.

The radiographer said they were either too small to see or I'd had a missed miscarriage. A missed miscarriage is where there's no evidence of there having been a miscarriage.

Well, they were completely wrong on that score!

As two days later I had a miscarriage and lost my babies. Two came away in my hand. The other one, they say will have been reabsorbed back into my body. All I can do is hope against all hope that they got it wrong again as they didn't do a scan or a pregnancy test to check that I wasn't pregnant.

The pain was horrendous. Like my body was being ripped in two, which I guess it was. And my heart was certainly ripped to shreds.

And although I have to keep thinking that it was for the best, there's another part of me that just wants to be with my babies as waking up every day is too difficult and too painful.

xxx

Week 11 ...

2008-04-10T17:50:00.004Z

... well it's my dating scan tomorrow.

And just look at my belly:

It's gonna be huuuuuuuuuuge soon!

This is what it will look like inside:

Apparently it's the size of a lime. I wonder why they chose lime and not lemon? Are lemons bigger than limes perhaps?

Well, at least that accounts for the belly. And it's not just the two fondant fancies I had last night!

Para xxx

Update on New Year's Resolutions!

2008-03-30T08:59:00.003Z

It's the end of the first quarter, so it's time to have an update:

Have more sex! - Well this HASN'T happened (thanks to Mr Para's hernia!!) But obviously it's the quality that counts as I'm now expecting!
Lose a stone - I did start doing this, but there's the small matter of another human being growing inside me which means I'm unable to lose weight!
Eat more fruit and veg. This one's a bit hit and miss. Sometimes i do really well, others (like this past fortnight) I'm rubbish at it!
Write at least one letter each month. This I HAVE done. Unfortunately I've discovered a pal's in prison, so I've been writing to him (more of that in another post)
Run! I was doing so well at this - but my boobs are now too painful!!

Para xxx

A Nine Week Old ParaBump ...

2008-03-30T08:50:00.005Z

... And this is what it will look like inside me:

It looks rather like a prawn!

And its fingers are becoming more visible:

Thanks to http://www.i-am-pregnant.com/ for the pictures!

It's making me feel incredibly tired. Can sleep ten hours a night and still have a nap in the afternoon! I feel nauseous ALL the time - but haven't thrown up, and my boobs are so sore! Last week they were so sore I could have cried. Which is another thing I could do a lot - cry! How emotional am I?!

Am not looking forward to going back to work this week (and not just because there'll have been a myriad of things gone wrong in my absence!) - how am I going to survive? Doing anything exhausts me! I wish I could just chill for the next seven months! And have lots of snoozes!

Have bought my first maternity frock (cos it was in the sale):

http://www.mothercare.com/gp/product/B00116QYQQ/sr=1-1/qid=1206867368/ref=sr_1_1/203-0922050-0167919?ie=UTF8&m=A2LBKNDJ2KZUGQ&n=42793041&mcb=core

But was very disappointed to discover that maternity bras at Mothercare only go up to an E cup! I was an F cup pre-pregnancy!!! And apparently you can go up two cup sizes!

Para xxx

ParaBump!

2008-03-28T19:44:00.003Z

OHMIGOD - the unthinkable has happened! Para is PREGNANT!!!!!!

A Valentine's Night baby! And Mr Para with a hernia and all!

And here we have ParaBump at Nine Weeks (if you go by the Doc's reckoning) or Seven Weeks (if you go by mine!!)

All we need to do now is wait for Mr Para to sort out the back bedroom (which he is going to decorate with dinosaurs!) and we can turn it into ParaBump's bedroom!

Para xxx

Stuff ...

2008-01-16T21:43:00.000Z

... Mr Para has a lot of it.

It's taking over my house at the moment in preparation for Mr Para moving in.

My semi-clutter-free existence is over

Para xxx

Work Anxiety ...

2008-01-14T21:16:00.000Z

... Am having wobbles over work at the moment.

Just don't think I'm good enough to do it. Nothing concrete to base that on really; it's just that I don't feel I'm a very effective worker.

I think that I need more flexibility than being an employee can give. Somehow I need to come up with something where I can work for myself - and I know that brings its own problems! But I have done it before and I was very comfortable with working like that.

I think half of the problem is that I get bored quite quickly. Not that I don't like my job - I love it! I just don't particularly think I'm very good at it, and already I'm getting quite restless.

Advice would be nice.

Para xxx

Weyhey ...

2008-01-06T15:55:00.000Z

... Fame at last!

Am in the TES magazine - a blinkin great big pic of me! Am hoping old (nice) colleagues see it and so they'll know I'm OK!

Hehehehehe!

Para xxx

New Year's Resolutions

2008-01-02T11:14:00.000Z

Have more sex!
Lose a stone (which roughly I guess what I must have put on since I met Mr Para!)
Eat more fruit and veg.
Write at least one letter each month.
Run!

I shall endeavour to review this every quarter!

Happy New Year!

Para xxx

Blood and Sand! Biggles Update!

2007-11-13T20:04:00.000Z

He's been in touch and says he's gonna repay me the money!

I actually believe he might!

*in shock*

Para xxx

Baggage ...

2007-11-03T18:09:00.001Z

... from other relationships is crap.

I've had to go into work today cos one of me girls was sick.

I've been worried all the way home about whether Mr DeadTree Para had been annoyed about having to spend the day on his own, looking after the furbabies.

Of course he's not though!

My ex hubby would have sulked for three weeks - which is no exaggeration. And despite it being a couple of years now since we were together, there's still hangups from then that have stayed with me.

They'll go eventually though!

Para xxx

Life Sucks

2007-10-31T21:57:00.001Z

OK, so this is a purely self-indulgent post, cos I feel crap and I'm trying to feel better.

Last week a very close friend lost her first baby before he was even born. She was three weeks off her due date.

OK, so life's unfair - but that's just bloody cruel.

I just can't bear to think of what she and her hubby are going through. I try and imagine how she must be feeling, but how can anything that's ever happened to me even compare to the pain of losing a baby?

And anything I could say to her just sounds so bloody pathetic and useless. And I feel like I want her to know that I really do feel for them both, but then I feel selfish because isn't that my need that's being met, not necessarily hers? But if I don't tell her how I feel then maybe she'll think I'm unfeeling and uncaring. So I get all confused and upset.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel. All I know is my friend must be going through hell, and I feel helpless and useless because there's nothing I can say or do to help alleviate the pain. I can deal with the crap that's dealt to me, cos I'm so often at the receiving end of it - I'm finding it hard to deal with the crap that's been dealt to my friend.

Answers on a comment please.

Para xxx

How Did I Ever Cope ...

2007-10-30T22:12:00.000Z

... Without my cats?

What an excellent form of stress relief they are. Lots of cuddles from Fidge and lots of playtime with them with their vast assortment of toys!

Couldn't be without them now. I can let them out now they've had their second injections, but it scares me that I might lose them :-( But I don't want them to be stuck in the house all the time.

Fidget likes to dip his paws in my bath!

Whispy's just so dainty and cute!

Para xxx

Belly Button Piercing

2007-10-30T10:01:00.000Z

It's gone.

It was getting sorer and sorer, and kept oozing manky coloured stuff.

Maybe I'll get me nipple done next?

Or perhaps a labia piercing?

Neither of which I would photograph and put on here, so don't get yourself all excited Oldy - it's dangerous at your age you know.

Para xxx

Snoring

2007-10-30T09:58:00.000Z

Would the person who has said I snore on the poll, please 'fess up?!

In all my 38 years I have never been accused of snoring until now. Mr DeadTree Para says I snore! And that I keep him awake!

Personally, I think Bobo's responsible.

Para xxx

Bobo Has a Friend!

2007-10-29T22:10:00.000Z

Mr DeadTree Para bought me a new doggy for sleeping with. This is because, along with the duvet, he robs Bobo at night!

So Bobo now has a new pal, Dylan!

Bobo's the mucky one on the right of the pic! Dylan's nice and clean and soft!

Para xxx

If I Love Being at Home Alone ...

2007-10-29T22:09:00.000Z

... why do I miss Mr Para DeadTree so much when he's not here?

Para xxx

My Hats - Part Two!! :-)

2007-10-29T21:47:00.000Z

And there's even more hats ...

Of course, there's the winter ones:

This is one of my fave winter ones. Keeps your ears nice and warm, and of course you can either chew the dangly bits - or be strangled by Mr Para as you walk along! (This hasn't happened as yet, but I so know it will - or he'll pull me along with the dangly bits!)

A similar one is:

Given to me by my good pals G&K as a Christmas gift last year. It has had one or two outings, is very nice, and is one of those ethical-type garments, but not quite as comfy as the previous one.

And here are my other winter ones:

The last one is about 24 years old ... eeeek! I feel sooooo old!

And then finally, there's my Simply Red cap, which I've had for years too:

Which is even more special, now that they've announced that they're splitting up.

Thanks to the Polar Bear (a Christmas pressie from a student a few years ago) for modelling the hats so beautifully!

Para xxx

My Hats :-)

2007-10-21T16:49:00.000Z

This is dedicated jointly to Mr DeadTree Para and NotGeoffrey, both of whom very much dislike my blue denim hat!!!

When I was in Florida last Christmas, the oldies found me a blue denim hat which they loved on me - but it was too big, so when I found this denim one I was delighted that it fits! One of my students says I look like a young Twiggy in it!!! At least someone has something positive to say about it!

And, with hair like mine, bad hair days are frequent - so a hat hides this! And if you're out for the evening and sleep over somewhere and don't have time for a shower in the morning, you can just put a hat on and look vaguely presentable!

I have, on my phone, a picture of the delightful NG wearing this hat (also the lovely Woody as well) and when I've worked out how to get the pics from my phone to my computer, I may publish it! hehehehehe!!

This is my bellydancer's hat:

No, I don't do belly dancing - although I do have the belly for it! (Sadly, now minus the belly piercing due to too much ooze coming out of it).

I saw this when I was in Florida and it just appealed to me!

Now this is my Mickey Mouse hat - it was very sunny in Florida and I didn't have a hat to protect my head, so bought this. The black scarf round it has small Mickey Mouse logos on it! When I met Mickey Mouse, he pointed to my hat and gave it a thumbs up!

This is my fave - cos it's red of course!!!

That's all for now cos Coronation Street Beckons and it takes a bloomin age to get pics on here!!

Para xxx

That's Shocking!!!

2007-10-05T18:42:00.000Z

Only five posts in September! Am always thinking about what to blog next - so ideas are welcome!

I think my next one will be about my hats, in honour of NotGeoffrey and Mr DeadTree Para!

Para xxx

Woman Wanted ...

2007-09-23T20:57:00.000Z

... now hold on a mo Mr Dead Tree! It's not what you're hoping!

I know you're wishing for me to get it on with another woman (preferably Flutters) and for you to be able to watch!

But no, I'm actually putting out a request for any women who might want a male bit on the side, or a casual shag and who happen to be in Lancashire.

And the request is for MM1. Who is very obviously missing my charms!

So, any takers - please email!

Para xxx

Talking About Husbands ...

2007-09-12T20:45:00.000Z

... I married my first at 22.

My second, I wed at 33.

So by my reckoning I've another six years to save up for my next wedding!

Not that I intend ever getting married again!

But then again, I suppose you should never say never!

Para xxx

The First Ex ...

2007-09-12T20:18:00.001Z

... was my childhood sweetheart I guess.

He was so handsome, I couldn't really believed that this gorgeous blond muscly bloke wanted anything to do with someone as ugly as me.

He wrote in his CSE English paper that he was going to marry me. And he did. When I was 22 and he was 23.

But I wasn't enough for him and he looked elsewhere.

Early on in our marriage I developed a medical condition which made sex very painful for me. Unfortunately, he was very highly sexed and when I said 'no' to him, rows would develop and he would be verbally nasty towards me. He really couldn't comprehend the amount of pain it left me in.

So, in the end I used to just let him have what he wanted - despite the pain and despite me not wanting to have sex because of the pain. It was easier to give in to his demands than live with the verbal abuse I'd get otherwise.

Every few months there would be a huge argument and I'd threaten to leave unless he changed his ways regarding the sex. I couldn't be absolutely sure about the other woman - there were rumours and I was suspicious, so we never actually rowed about that. He'd promise to be more understanding about my pain - and he would be for a little while. And then he'd just revert to his old ways.

However, there came a time when I think he realised that I might actually go through with my threat of leaving him. He was in the process of leaving the army and was living up North, I was living down South with friends until he'd found a job. My plan then was to go back up North, find a job and leave him. He'd come down at weekends to see me. One weekend he wouldn't let me out of the tiny boxroom I stayed in, unless it was to go to the toilet. And even then he stood outside - scared in case I tried to escape I guess. As he had been an Army boxer, his whole physicality was very threatening.

And then it was time for me to return up North. By this time I'd developed a friendship with the man who would eventually become my second ex-husband! Ex No 1 discovered this and there was hell to pay!

He raped me. More than once. He refuses to believe that he actually did this. But one time he threatened that if I didn't "buck back" he'd kill me. He beat me up.

Another time he held me prisoner in a room. He again threatened to kill me "one punch and you'll be dead" was one of the threats I received. He cut up all my clothes and some treasured photographs. He damaged presents I'd received from other people.

By the time we went to Court for me to get an injunction out against him, I owned a pair of white jeans, a cream jumper and a pair of Doc Marten boots. He actually looked more injured than me when we got there. I had, quite accidentally, in the middle of him beating me up managed to elbow him in the eye - so he was sporting a wonderful black eye! When he'd raped me, he'd held my arms down and the only way I could defend myself was by biting his cheek - I believe he still bears the scars to this day!

Surprisingly, we're now friends (although I know he'll be cross with me if he reads this). His uncle was quite ill, which prompted me to get in touch with Ex Hubby No 1 - just in case we had to encounter each other at the uncle's funeral (thankfully it never came to that!!)

We annoy each other, fall out with each other, take the piss out of each other, don't talk to each other for days - yet we both know that, actually, we'll always be there for each other.

Life's weird isn't it?

Para xxx

I Had Kinda Forgotten That ...

2007-09-12T19:57:00.000Z

... falling for someone also means that you open yourself up to being hurt or upset by the one you've fallen for.

And why, after two marriages and the manfest I've indulged in this year, do I still not really understand blokes?! And why am I not hardened to it? Damn, I'm such a girl!

I dunno if he's grumpy/tired cos of work/pissed off with me! I don't know him that well enough to be able to judge his moods. In some respects it seems like he's always been there, in others it's still that voyage of discovery of someone new and all their idiosyncrasies.

Then there's that fleeting moment when I think that he never wants to see me again. And it scares me. And I hate myself for allowing myself to feel so vulnerable, cos all I want to do is feel secure and in control.

And it's the part of me that wants control that needs controlling!! If that makes any sense! As it makes me fantasise about things I could do to feel in control - and actually, those things aren't good things! And I'm not going to explain any further as I can't bring myself to type them down, cos they're too hurtful. And the one who matters knows me well enough to guess what I mean.

However, I've received an apology - and that makes me feel better.

Para xxx

Mad Bra!

2007-09-02T20:02:00.000Z

Nope, this isn't one of my bonkers dreams!

I went looking for a strapless bra last week. I'm going to a wedding next weekend, and I have this gorgeous strappy dress (red of course!!) so I need scaffolding with no straps.

Whisper keeps disappearing and we can't find her - I think that the bra might actually be her hiding place!! I can't get the full effect photographically, but it is like a monument to my breasts!! I can't believe that my breasts actually fit in there.

Gonna have to have a trial run wearing it though! It's a seriously scary bra!

Para xxx

An Amazing Feeling ...

2007-08-27T20:19:00.000Z

... doing a week's work, then coming home and being able to spend the weekend doing whatever I like.

No prepping.

More importantly, no bloody marking.

Much as I loved being a lecturer, working on vocational subjects, with kids who have behavioural problems, can barely string a sentence together despite having five or more GCSEs, who have little interest in the subject and with a management team who won't allow the little darlings to fail - the marking is a major issue.

And it's gone. No more. Yaaaaay!

Para xxx (Who's v much enjoying having her life back!!)

Somebody Has Trimmed My Bush!

2007-08-23T20:23:00.000Z

Outside the front of my home there is a small flower bed with a number of smallish plants in. Can't tell you what they are as I'm useless at gardening and my mum planted most of them!

I had this gorgeous bush whose bright pink flowers had just started to show. It was fairly big - but not blocking out any light, or causing a nuisance or anything. It looked quite beautiful and was quite wild in a way.

I came home from work yesterday - to see that it had been hacked into an incredibly tidy shape. With most of the flowers having been hacked off too.

Not happy. But I really don't know who's done it. And my next door neighbour didn't see anything.

Some strange people about.

It is a mystery - but Super Sleuth Para will get to the bottom of it!!

Para xxx

Flippin' Fed Up :-(

2007-08-23T20:03:00.001Z

OK, so things with MM1 were finished a while ago and I was pleased that he was understanding about the whole thing.

Only now he doesn't seem to be. Now he keeps wanting sex again. Or a BJ.

And I'm very disappointed that he keeps asking me.

He keeps telling me that Mr DeadTree doesn't need to know. But if I gave into his demands, I'd find it difficult to not tell Mr DeadTree. I'd hate myself. I'd hate MM1 for putting me in that position.

And I don't want it to get to that. I very much value MM1's advice and friendship - and he's been an absolute star this past couple of years, and I really really don't want to lose that.

And my head can do without being messed about like this when I'm just getting it back together again!

Para xxx

Wow ... Not posted for a Whole Week!

2007-08-23T19:57:00.000Z

That's because I've started a new job and I'm exhausted!

Having not worked for five months, getting back into the swing of things has been rather tiring! Plus I've had to travel further than I will normally be doing, but that's only going to be for another week. Then I'll be nearer home.

It's going OK so far - am just shadowing my counterpart at the moment, learning the ropes for when I move into the new centre! The ladies who will be working with me all seem to be very competent and very friendly and we can't wait for the new centre to be up and running!

So, I guess I'll not have as much time to write on here! Especially as my life seems to be settling down at the moment - hopefully won't have too many mad stories to tell!

Para xxx

Dear Mr TalkTalk ...

2007-08-23T19:56:00.000Z

... Bobo is very concerned about you and wishes to enquire after your general health and wellbeing?!

Para xxx (On behalf of Bobo)

Noooooooooooooooooooo!

2007-08-16T13:29:00.001Z

How could Haagen Daaz win?

Such an inferior taste to the creative and tasty Ben and Jerry's!

Dear readers, you've let me down! I am so disappointed!

There's at least 20 votes for HD that should be taken away - cos someone CHEATED!!

Para xxx

Tarot Update Thingy

2007-08-15T21:43:00.001Z

For those of you who are addicted to my blog (yes, I know there are some of you out there!!) you'll probably recognise this, but I thought I'd look at it in terms of Mr DeadTree!

A NEW LOVER READING

I felt in this reading that you yearn for the excitement and should be careful not to get involved with someone that just feeds your lack of excitement. The right person is around for you and it won’t necessarily be the next one…but they are around now for you…you are near each other you just don’t know about each other.

Well - he does live near me. Well he lives nearer to me than any of the others I'd been seeing!

Will there be a new relationship for me soon?

Well you certainly don’t think there will be a new relationship for you soon. It’s like you are plodding along…with blind folds on not know what you are doing or where you are going. I would say there are things you need to sort out in yourself before you are able to have a new relationship.

Almost sorted out - just working on the insecurities!

Although….I would say you will meet them with something to do with water.

Can't think of any connection with water!

What astrological sign will this person be?

Not sure either here…I would say they are possibly Taurus but it’s not that clear.

Naaaa, he's not a Taurean!

Will we be compatible?

Not really. There is boredom here. It’s like you meet someone and through the lack of any other better offers you are with them. However it is important that you look around all the time because the one for you is around you now you just don’t see them. (Nor do they see you) when you eventually meet you will realise that you have been around each other before.

Well, as I say - he was nearer to me than any other blokes I'd been seeing! But I don't think we've been around each other before! Not sure about the boredom bit either. Never seen someone who bores me! And I was looking round all the time before Mr DeadTree!

Will this be a lasting relationship?

Yes. It’s a lovely relationship that will last time for you.

I hope so!

Will this person be my soul mate?

Yes although you may think they are a little too stubborn and boring but really they are just what you need. You need the grounding affect and this is what this person will give you.

Now, I don't think for one minute that he's boring! But I think he may be a bit stubborn - or maybe that's too strong a word for it! Maybe he knows what he wants and is firm about it! But I do think he'll have a grounding effect on me. God knows what effect I'll have on him! Not altogether sure I believe in soulmates anyway!

What is the outcome of my desire?

Lovely.

Ooooh, I hope it remains so!

I'm a soppy old Para aren't I?!

Para xxx

Went into Work Today ...

2007-08-15T21:10:00.001Z

... to collect my belongings.

Fortunately there was no-one in apart from security and admin.

Definitely an occasion of mixed feelings. Glad to be going. Desperately sad that the job I loved so much turned out to be so bad. Sad that I've lost someone who used to be such a good friend.

But, I've learned not to place so much emphasis on a job. It was so much part of my identity, I loved it so much, and I was so proud that little old me was doing such a job. But it took too much out of me and my personal life is going to be more important than my professional life from here on in. (Mr DeadTree, you have my permission to bollock me if I start getting too involved with my job!!)

Strange day.

Para xxx

Mr DeadTree ...

2007-08-15T20:56:00.000Z

... aaaaaaw, how lovely he is.

He's been away for a week. He bought me a Simply Red DVD to keep me company whilst he was away! Now that's real devotion - being seen buying a Simply Red DVD! Takes some guts that does!

And I've had loads of postcards from him whilst he's been away. Even Fidget and Whisper got one!

If I'm honest, I didn't really miss him for the first couple of days - but I guess that's cos we don't see each other every day anyway. But then I got a drunken phone call. And boy did I miss him after that! It's funny how quickly I've got used to him being there, it's like he's always been around yet I'm still getting to know him. Must have a look at the Tarot reading and see if there's anything in there that I can recognise in him!

And, ohmigod, the kittens missed him! Especially Whisper - she's not cuddled me all week. Then as soon as she sees him and he goes back home, she comes and cuddles me! Definitely daddy's girl!

He was coming back off his hols today - but I didn't expect to see him today. It's a long journey, so I reckoned he'd go straight home. But noooooo, there I was just settling down for a snooze when there was a knock at the front door and a gorgeous tanned face appeared at the window (he really does suit having a bit of a tan!!)

So I'm one happy Para at the moment! Felt a bit deflated after he'd gone though, to be honest! Didn't want him to go! Wanted him to stay! Definitely must practise my kidnapping skills!

Para xxx

PS - and we had pressies! Fudge and choccy for me! Toys for the furbabies!

Exercise Whilst You Earn!

2007-08-15T20:28:00.000Z

Well, that's what I've been doing these past few days!

Delivering leaflets for a takeaway in a local town. £140 for 2000 leaflets. It was supposed to be about 25 hours work, but I managed it in eleven and a half (thank goodness for terraced houses - makes delivering sooooo much easier!)

It was a good way to: a. make some money; b. get some exercise (never realised quite what a hilly town it was!); c. get to know the local town a bit better; and d. have a right old nosey at people's houses and gardens!

Got some great ideas! And if I was ever to move to that town - I know whereabouts I'd be looking!

Actually, it got me to thinking did all this walking down streets etc. My parents' first house was a semi-detached, three bedroomed home with a good sized garden and a garage. And they were able to buy that on my dad's salary as an electrician - not a fantastic salary. And it was in a good and popular area of town.

And here's me, supposedly in a 'profession' with a good salary - and I'd be hard pushed to afford a terraced house in a half-way decent area! Somet's not right somewhere. Guess I'll stay renting for the foreseeable - at least me rent's cheap!!

So, back to the leaflet delivering. What were the bad parts of it? Well, there was being chased down the road by an angry householder! Narrowly avoiding have me fingers bitten by numerous dogs! Scraping me knuckles and hand on a variety of letter boxes - my DNA is on hundreds of houses now! Walking up flights of stone steps to houses, only to discover a sticker on the letter box saying "no junk mail".

Actually, it's amazing the variety of stickers:

"Neighbourhood Watch";

"In the interests of crime prevention, please ensure all leaflets and newspapers are pushed through the letterbox" (like where else am I gonna push them?);

"No salesmen - we do not buy at this door" (I kept thinking 'OK, well, do you buy at the back door?);

"If you are a salesman, an appointment will be needed and a written recording made of our conversation";

"no junk mail";

"This is a good neighbour area";

"Burglars beware - our property is postcoded" (this confused me at first if I'm honest - cos all properties are postcoded! Took me a little while to work that one out!)

Some people had loads of stickers on their front door - it was amazing! And they weren't home-made stickers, they were all official stickers from the local Police and Trading Standards. But what were really really annoying, were the houses that had the "no junk mail" stickers - on the front window! And I only saw it AFTER I'd posted the leaflet as I had to walk past the door to see the sticker in the window, grrrrrrr. And I thought I was daft!

But I did find a lovely little bakery in a back street! And I had a couple of nice chats with people! I'd definitely do it again! Actually, I'd get Mr DeadTree Para to help me (and split the earnings of course!!) Heehee!!

Para xxx

Mr TalkTalk

2007-08-14T18:47:00.000Z

Have you been cheating with the poll, just so it goes your way?

Naughty.

Very naughty.

Custody of Bobo? No chance!!

Para xxx

Either ...

2007-08-10T20:26:00.001Z

... the poll thing ain't working, or nobody's having a go at it!

When I try and vote, it won't let me :-(

Para xxx

(who prefers B&J)
(Preferably Half-Baked, or Cookie Dough, or Phish Food!)
(Or even better a Wich, mmmmmmmmmm!)

Thanks Bobo ...

2007-08-10T20:23:00.000Z

For being my lucky mascot when I went for my job interview yesterday!

I hid him in my handbag of course!

Anyway - he brought me luck cos I got the job! Weeeeeyheeeeeey!

As a treat he's been washed again today!

Also, thank you to MM1 for the support he gave me!!

And thank you to Mr TalkTalk for suggesting I take Bobo - and also for texting me to wish me luck (which was very much appreciated).

Para xxx

Cooking!

2007-08-06T19:15:00.000Z

Yaaaaaaaay! I've cooked!

Yes, I know I've cooked before - but that's been for other people, because they've been visiting. I can't actually remember the last time I cooked just for me!

I've made a curry, and admittedly I used sauce from a bottle, but I put fresh veggies and chicken in!

There's so much of it, I'll have to eat it all week now! Well except for tomorrow as I'm taking Mr DeadTree out for tea before he goes away on his holidays!

Para xxx

PS - back on the veggies now; will have to try fruit soon too! I may even give up the Fudge addiction if all goes well! But I bet you I'll put weight on!

I've Been to Gigs ...

2007-08-06T18:14:00.000Z

... Wooooohooooo!

I've been to see bands that aren't Simply Red!

Yes, Mr DeadTree is introducing me to his weird and wonderful musical tastes!

So last week we went to see Isobel Campbell and Mark Lanegan. Now that was fantastic! He has this really deep, gravelly, gorgeous voice. And she has this sweet, breathy voice. The contrast was amazing. But I did especially like his voice.

http://www.isobelcampbell.com/

Then at weekend we went to see Piney Gir. This was quite amusing. it would have been even more amusing if I hadn't been in such a mardarse mood!!

It was at this club that was filled with people half my age at first! The girls were ever so funny! They all wore frocks that wouldn't have looked out of place in the series Butterflies! And teetered about on their high heels!

Fortunately, by the time Piney came on stage, I wasn't solely responsible for increasing the average age of people there! She has a lovely voice - and was wearing a gorgeous dress! I really enjoyed her music.

http://www.pineygir.com/

I am being educated musically!! There's some hope for me!! Actually, Mr DeadTree has made me some CDs for my car with music on that he thinks I should listen to/might like. I currently have this song in my head all the time now!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-vZlNKlCkg

Para xxx

Blinkin Blog ...

2007-08-06T18:12:00.000Z

... stupidly does strange things to the layout once I've posted, Grrrrrrr.

Bobo (Fidget & Whisper)

2007-08-06T17:56:00.000Z

I have been accused of abandoning my beloved Bobo! In favour of Fidget and Whisper!

How could I do such a thing?!

Fidget, Whisper and Bobo are the greatest of pals - as my pictures show!

A quick update on the furbabies:

Took them to the vets last week and they're doing OK. He said they were about six weeks old. Fidget seems to have grown quite a bit since he came to me. Whisper is still tiny, but has put on weight. She had to have medicine from the vets (she had a little problem which I don't think she'd like me discussing on here!) This was interesting. Most of it ended up in my face, on the floor, in fact anywhere but inside Whisper!! However, I put it in her milk and she didn't seem to notice!

They're sleeping lots and lots - then having mad half hours of playing! Fidget is a bit of a bully to Whisper with the toys - if Whisper has a toy, then Fidget HAS to have it!! But they're very affectionate with each other, and wash each other and cuddle up to each other a lot. Fidget even goes and covers up Whisper's deposits in the litter tray (despite the fact that Whisper now knows how to do it!)

I could just sit and watch them all day! They're so cute and so amusing! And Mr DeadTree is making a very good dad to them!!

Para xxx

Fidget and Whisper

2007-07-29T19:27:00.000Z

So, a couple of days ago I was sat having breakfast in the kitchen when I could hear this awful crying sound. Thinking it was next door's cat, I ignored it as I assumed that my next door neighbour would see to it.

However, it went on and on and on until I could ignore it no longer. I opened the back door and this little bedraggled bundle of grey fur zoomed into the kitchen, and I spotted a tiny little soggy brown kitten peeping from beneath the stone barbecue. It pootled across the yard and into the kitchen.

They were tiny and soaking and shivering. And I'm not entirely sure how they got there! They either:

Got dumped in the field behind my house and managed to jump over my fence into the back yard. There's not really anywhere for them to squeeze through. But the tiniest one was in such a state that I don't think she could have jumped.
Someone has actually, purposely dumped them in my back yard.
Mummy cat brought them into my yard for shelter. This could be the case as my next door neighbour says she saw a pregnant adult cat come into my yard later on that day. (Bear in mind that the kittens are a few weeks old!)
My mate C says that Destiny brought them as I need to be responsible for something in my life! And I'm kind of inclined to agree with her as Mr DeadTreePara is a 'cat' person - and there's not really been many men in my life who have been!! Plus I keep on saying I'll get a kitten, but am put off by the dead bird/mice that they may bring in. Or even worse - the live ones!

Mr DeadTreePara suggested some names and we settled on Fidget for the bigger cat: he's always on the go! And Whisper for the smaller cat: because she WAS quiet and subdued - however, now she's as manic as Fidget!

So, Para and Mr DeadTreePara are now the proud parents of two little fur-babies!

Para xxx

PS - it's my first night alone with them tonight - it's a bit scary!

My Mate Bbibbs ...

2007-07-22T21:05:00.000Z

... is in hospital.

He's had a heart attack.

And I know he's managing to read TES online from his hospital bed, so am hoping he'll see this too.

Hope you get better soon sunshine. Here's a get well duck for you!

Hope you're not letching after all those nurses!

Para xxx

Postcards

2007-07-22T19:48:00.000Z

Mr DeadTree likes them.

And so he sends them to me, with lovely little things written on them! The one I got on Friday had this on the front:

You've got to have

the courage

to close your eyes

and jump in the dark

aware that you may

land on your face

and have to get up

S M I L I N G

After all, you're propably going to have to do it again tomorrow

It just makes me smile!!

Para xxx

PS - No, I'm not going to tell you what he's wrote on the back!!!

Para's Preferred Poetry 3

2007-07-22T19:19:00.000Z

I'm feeling a little bit sad because someone's ever so slightly upset me, probably unintentionally - but nonetheless, it's made me feel a bit sad.

So am gonna type out one of my fave poems to make me feel better. I used to read this when I was off work last year - it gives me some strength. I have it pinned up on my desk as well at work.

Normally I prefer short, funny poems - mainly because I've not got the patience to read a long one. But the defiance in this poem really does inspire me.

It's by Maya Angelou. I read her first autobiography I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings when I was studying Women's Studies a couple of years ago. I really must get round to reading her other books as she is a remarkable woman.

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like sins,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops,
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.

Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

For more info on Maya Angelou, visit http://www.mayaangelou.com/

Para xxx

PS - if you're wondering why there's a verse in bold, it's because I particularly like that verse - helped me with the Jem situation as I think her jealousy was the root of my problems.

Fabulous Food ...

2007-07-22T16:34:00.000Z

... That's what I had on Friday night.

Mr DeadTree is FABULOUS in the kitchen :-)

He made peppers stuffed with potato, leek and goat's cheese - which was gorgeous.

Then there were puff pastry tarts with baked apple, blackcurrant and raspberries on - which were YUMMY!

This man is a gem!

And then he fetched me brekky in bed on Saturday - including a latte, and he hates coffee!

Have never been looked after so well!

Am off for a lie down now to dream gorgeous thoughts about a gorgeous man (and yes I do mean you Mr DeadTree - or Mr Para?!)

Para xxx

Strange Things Happen To Me on Dates ...

2007-07-17T21:24:00.001Z

... I've had someone wanting to listen to me wee (eeeeuw), I've been hypnotised - and now I've had my fridge cleaned!

I'll have you know that many people have eaten things from my fridge and have gone on to lead full and healthy lives!

But bless him, Mr DeadTree cleaned my fridge! I didn't know if to think "aaaaaaaw, he feels comfy enough with me to do that" or to feel horrified that someone actually felt the need to clean my fridge!

However, I am thinking of hiring him out for cleaning purposes! I'm sure women would pay good money to see him naked except for a frilly pinny whilst giving their kitchens a good going over!

He cleaned my fridge - how adorable is that? Sigh ...

Para xxx

I love my dog as much as I love you

2007-07-17T21:20:00.000Z

But you may fade, my dog will always come through.

All he asks from me is the food to give him strength

All he ever needs is love and that he knows he'll get

So, I love my dog as much as I love you

But you may fade, my dog will always come through.

All the pay I need comes shining through his eyes

I dont need no cold water to make me realize that

I love my dog as much as I love you

But you may fade, my dog will always come through.

This soooooo made me giggle when I heard it on the radio today!

Para xxx

I'm Cold Hearted ...

2007-07-17T20:42:00.000Z

... apparently.

Last week I was accused by two people of being cold-hearted: one knows me very well, the other hardly at all. I was told that I put up an emotional barrier, that I don't let people close to me.

And yet, on the other hand, I'm often accused of being too open! Especially on here!

It's weird!

But I guess that sometimes it is easier to let people get to know the person you want them to know and not the one under the mask. It's difficult when you've had bad experiences of people, to let others close to you. So new people are punished for the sins of the old. Which really isn't fair. But the more you're let down, the more difficult it is to trust.

I've also been told that I have an online persona - which I really wasn't aware of. I thought I was just me - but someone's seen through that!! And when I actually sit and think about it, well yes, I am different to the online me. The online me's gobbier and less sensitive. The real me's more capable of being hurt. Sometimes I guess I get confused as to the boundaries between the two - and that's when I'm in danger of pressing that self-destruct button.

Para xxx

The Nastiest Hot Beverage in the UK Award

2007-07-17T16:58:00.001Z

Now I like a nice latte me, but generally I'm a tea girl. It's hard to go wrong with tea. Unless the teabag's a really crappy one (like Naafi teabags - eeeuuugh!)

But coffee is sooooooo easy to get wrong. And even when places get it right - they let themselves down by not having brown sugar. McDonald's for example, does a lovely milky latte - but they don't have brown sugar, what's that all about?

And don't get me started on instant coffee - the devil's beverage that one.

But I have to admit that I'm hard-pushed to decide upon who serves the worst coffee - whether it's Ikea or Asda. Talk about bitter - eeeeuuuuw.

Cafes and restaurants should apply for a licence to sell coffee! And these two establishments would definitely not be issued one!

How, in this age of coffee shops, can they get it so wrong? It defies belief.

OK, rant over!

Para xxx

There's Few People I'd Enjoy Standing in the Rain, Eating Chips With ...

2007-07-16T15:03:00.000Z

... But Mr DeadTree is most definitely one!

A few weeks ago I was going to write about how I didn't think I'd ever hear anyone say "I love you" again. And I was quite sad about it. Various friends tell me they love me - but it's not quite the same!

Anyway, I must've had a snooze and woke up feeling happier, because it never got written.

The whole point of this though, is to say I've met someone very special. He's called Mr DeadTree - on account of him liking dead trees! I've taken him to see my favourite dead tree!

He has a lovely smile and sparkly eyes. He's not a chunky bloke, which is what I usually go for - but he does excellent cuddles! Which goes to show that you should never look for a specific 'type'!

He's incredibly domesticated - and likes looking after me! We've just had date no 6! A whole weekend of it! A wonderful whole weekend of it.

He buys me Fudges and hides them in odd places so I'll suddenly find them! And he does lovely other little romantic gestures which are too lovely to share with you lot!

So, I'm one very happy, loved-up Para at the moment! I shall try my best not to make a mess of this!

Para xxx

Oops ...

2007-07-16T11:36:00.000Z

... I can't work out how to delete it!!

Para xxx

2007-07-09T13:07:00.000Z

Oddly ...

I can't put titles in properly at the moment. How v strange.

Para xxx

Gammy Big Toe!

2007-07-08T17:40:00.000Z

That's what I have on my right foot! Mr TalkTalk - read no further, it'll only give you nightmares!

I was born with ingrowing toenails apparantly, so my big toes have never been the most aesthetic digits.

However, when I was about 13 me and a friend were pulling a drawer of my chest of drawers open; I couldn't manage it on my own as it was too stiff. We both left go of the handles at the same time and it dropped on my big toe - OUCH!!!

The toe nail fell off over the next few weeks and it was very very painful. So when it started to grow back it was suggested that i have the toenail removed.

So I went into hospital and had an operation to remove the toenail, and strangely some skin at the side of my toe.

The nail grew back - only now it's three sided. It grows until it gets uncomfortable. Mr TalkTalk, if you've been Para's big brave boy and read up until here, now is definitely the time to look away.

So, I have to yank out both sides (not really visible on the pic as they grow inwards) - this is painful for about a day. Otherwise the sides of it just grow into the skin and hurt me. Then I can cut across the top like a 'normal' toe!

I sometimes get a bit conscious of it because I think people probably think it's a fungal nail infection - it's not!! It's just a gammy big toe!!

Para xxx

Am feeling a little bit upset right now.

2007-07-08T16:40:00.000Z

In fact, I've just been having a bit of a blub. I am way too emotional for my own good me.

I emailed MusicMan to end things. Not that there was THAT much to end, being as we'd only seen each other four times!!

But it's made me feel really upset because I very much like him. But we don't get to see each other and I need attention!!

I would love to spend more time with him and get to know him better, but we're geographically and lifestyle incompatible!

But, I very much value his friendship and am sure we'll stay in touch.

Thanks MusicMan. You're adorable.

Para xxx

A Music Festival Virgin ...

2007-07-03T13:39:00.000Z

... that was me; until weekend.

Well I guess actually, I still am, having had nothing more than the equivalent of a quick fumble!

I got my ticket to the nearby music festival, and I went along to the steward training on Friday. I reckoned that as I'd never been to such a festival before, and no-one would come with me, that I might as well do somet useful whilst there so i didn't look like Billy Nomates!!

So, by Friday lunchtime I was a fully trained and very muddy steward. When I say fully trained, I mean that I knew I'd to look out for piles of rubbish, tents camped too close together and any drug dealing activity. Oh, and I had a sheet that told me which fire hydrant to use in case of a fire.

I served my traineeship with the great unwashed, facial pierced and dreadlocked and khaki-clothes wearing fellow ticket holders. Me? Yup, I was in a bright red waterproof, blue walking trousers and a pair of pink wellies! How out of place did I feel?!

Anyway, I managed to get what I thought was the crappiest shift - shift 12: 6am-12 noon on Monday. When the festival was over and done with and everyone was leaving!

So, I braved the event on my own on Sunday afternoon - and again I felt so out of place that I couldn't wait to leave! So I actually had a ticket for a music festival and never actually heard any music. Well, there was some strange noise coming from a clump of trees - but I'm not convinced it was music!

So, Monday morning, bright and early, I report to the site office caravan. I dunno who was more shocked - me to be up at such a godforsaken time, or Nick (one of the organisers) cos someone had actually turned up at such a godforsaken time!

So, armed with my high viz jacket and a walkie talkie (ooooh the power!) I set off for a walk round the camp site! Squelching through the mud and probably waking all those campers who were asleep - mind you there were still some parties going on, so I wouldn't have been that disturbing a sound!

Then, approaching the festival site, I was kidnapped! By the security men! I have to say - I was hardly an unwilling victim! Plus it started pissing it down - and sitting chatting with four young men under a pink tent was a preferable option to trudging around outside!

We had a good giggle and a natter and played silly games. And I also had the misfortune to encounter one of them big ear piercings - you know the type where you can see through the ear. Yuk, it was disgusting! He took the ring out so I could see through his ear - and eeeeeuuuuw, the stench was awful! They were all so lovely I wanted to adopt them all! Especially the young Scottish one - until he said he only cooked Vegan food!! No good in my house, matey!

I was then instructed to go and stand at the entrance and deter cars from entering the field; stop people from turning left onto the main road and generally be nice and cheery to all the departing festival goers!

As I was stood under me big red umbrella, waiting for people to go, there appeared a young man who wanted shelter from the now torrential rain, and directions to the nearest bus-stop. Turns out he was a student from work! Eeeek!

Then, as we were stood chatting, three guys turn up to move a car that's been abandoned near the entrance. It won't start. I've now got three grown men in despair, in totally inappropriate clothing for the mud (OK, so one of them DOES have wellies on!!) who haven't a clue what to do. So I just get into teacher mode! Instruct them to ring a breakdown service; manage to lift the bonnet up cos one of them just cannot do it; give instructions to the AA as to where to find them.

So they sit in the car awaiting the AA out of the torrential rain. "They were fantastic last night them," says the student. "Oh aye?" asks me "who are they then?" Apparently they were one of the acts - the Dub Pistols. It meant nothing to me! But I'm sure it'll mean something to someone somewhere! All I know is that they were three blokes who needed little old me to sort them out cos they were having a major panic! The AA sorted out the problem. I sent the blokes on their way with a stern lecture about wearing appropriate clothing next year and made them give the student a lift to the village to get the bus!!

I had such a fab time (despite being slightly scared of the irate farmer whose land the festival was on) that I did extra time and was asked to get involved with organising the stewarding next year. Fab! Loved it!

Happy, smiley, muddy Para!

Para xxx

Argentinian Man

2007-07-01T18:26:00.001Z

Welcome and thank you for reading my blog.

Would love to read yours - but I don't understand the language!!

Para xx

More Naughty Dreams

2007-07-01T12:25:00.000Z

I am so not going to go into detail, but I had naughty dreams about the following people last night:

MusicMan - and he is the man who makes my dreams come true, so he better make this one come true! And it was very, very naughty! Hehe!
Mr TalkTalk - now you're probably wondering who he is. In fact I'm wondering if he realises who he is! But that was only mildly naughty.
Mr DeadTree - You're probably wondering who he is as well! But he'll know who he is bless him. And that was not really naughty at all! (Sorry!!)

But I also dreamt about Hubby No 1 last night - now that might shock some of you, cos I've never mentioned his existence before! Will write about him at some point in the future though. This wasn't a naughty dream though (praise be!) but he did annoy me intensely in it!

Anyway, I know this is rather a boring post for the first one of July, but I have a busy life to lead!

Para xxx

Blowing My Own Trumpet ... (No 3)

2007-06-29T20:25:00.001Z

From my Thursday night friends!

"Your humour put energy in the group and your style was refreshing and colourful".

"Very funny and entertaining - your stories are great".

"Have loved working with you - you're a lovely warm person - you've had me in stitches but were there when I needed you!"

"Warmhearted person, good to get on with, very good to talk to :-) (see you soon!) (Nice to see you again!)"

"You have made the sessions enjoyable and light. Thank you for being you."

"A snowball, a snowflake, a face full of sunlight - playtime/funtime"

And The Winner Is ...

2007-06-29T17:44:00.001Z

... Howy.

But I suspect he cheated so I may have to disqualify him!

Para xxx

Competition Time!

2007-06-28T22:29:00.001Z

OK, so the 500th person to look at my profile wins a prize! So if you notice that you're number 500, please will you let me know?

If you're a female - you can have a home made cake!

If you're a bloke - you can have a night out with me. Unless I don't fancy you, in which case you can have a homemade cake. And if I really really fancy you, you get both cake AND a night out!

Hehe!

Para xxx

I Love ...

2007-06-28T10:38:00.000Z

... you!

Yes, you reading this. Stop looking around you to see who I might be talking about!

Surely you must've realised! Can't you tell from the way I look at you and how I'm always giggly and smiley when I'm around you?

There's only you that makes me do that!!

Have I scared anyone yet? hehehehehehe!

Aaaaaaaw, I love people, me. They're fab. Have met some really amazing ones in the past few months. OK, so I've met one or two halfwits as well - but the gorgeous, funny, warm, lovely, interesting ones far outweigh the two halfwits I've encountered!!

And I don't just mean the men! Calm down boys, that doesn't mean there's been some girl on girl action (although I'm also not saying I wouldn't!!) I'm just making sure you know I'm not being gender specific here!

Love you all!!!

Para xx

Nearly a Naughty Dream

2007-06-25T07:25:00.000Z

Well, the other night I had this dream - which was very nearly a naughty one!

I dreamt I was going to a wedding and that I was in Debenhams on the actual day of the wedding looking for something to wear (sounds about right for me, leave things to the last minute!!)

And this gorgeous man came up to me, wearing a black top and on the elbow it said Debenhams Men. He offered to do my make up for the wedding. Why I didn't find it strange that a man who worked for the men's department at Debenhams would want to do my make-up, I'll never know!

Anyway, he took me into a little room and sat me on a chair which tilted back. It tilted back so that the top of my head was resting in his, erm, groin area! And then he started putting make up on my face, which was very calming and relaxing. But my head was pressed up against his big hard willy!

And that was it!

Had some odd dreams last night too. Had a fitful night's sleep. Woke up and was quite ill at about 2am (a result of too many cakes yesterday methinks!) But I did manage to dream about being in a room full of gay sailors discussing the merits, and otherwise, of pink slip on shoes! Then I dreamt I was going for a walk and saw one of my students riding a bike with stabilisers on it, and having a conversation about that with him!

Then I dreamt that MusicMan contacted me and said the reason he'd not been in touch with me all weekend was because he'd spent the weekend in the cells after verbally abusing a Policeman on Friday evening!

Para xxx

Scaring Crows!

2007-06-24T19:08:00.001Z

And serving refreshments!

That's what I've done today! My chocolate cake was very well received!

This is the scarecrow I helped to make:

Overall, the display won the best neighbourhood scarecrows!

A tiring but enjoyable day!

Para xxx

Rice Pudding

2007-06-24T18:39:00.000Z

Well, I think I've said that I'm not gonna write about MusicMan cos some things are too personal and private even to put on here!

But I have things floating round my head, and I need to get them down! OK, so I'm having an insecure day and am wondering what on earth a lovely man like him could possibly see in me!

But, I know what I see in him:

He has never sent me a picture of his penis over the phone. Or by email. Why are men so obsessed with doing this?
He has never asked me to send a rude pic of me to him by phone or email. OK, so I sent him a pic of my naked legs - but he never asked for it, and that's just a cheeky pic, not a rude one!
He seems to be interested in me as an individual rather than just in having sex with me.
He makes me feel really comfy when I'm with him. And he's very comfy to be entwined with!
The contented smile he wears when he wakes up (I'm more used to a look of horror on the faces of men who wake up with me!!)
There's no rush to do things. Makes me look forward to exploring more! And getting to know him more!
He makes me laugh!
He can cook. Very well.
He made me a rice pudding. A homemade, proper rice pudding. With skin on top. And he made this after reading about my dream on here! He made my dream come true! I was so touched! I am hard pushed to think of a more sweet and romantic gesture that has been made to me!
He's gonna read this!

See, writing all that down has made me feel better! Mind you, it's sod's law isn't it that I'll never here from him again now, having written such glowing things about him! Actually, that's another reason why I like him - he's far too decent to mess people around like that!

Para xxx

I Feel Like an Adventure!

2007-06-22T13:41:00.000Z

Last weekend when I was driving southwards, I felt so free, I thought "I wanna move". Not necessarily down south, which is what my pal J automatically assumed when I mentioned this to her, but anywhere. (I think she was secretly thinking 'yaaaaaay, a babysitter!!')

I feel like a bit of an adventure. I feel like going somewhere where I can be me again, where no-one knows anything of my past life. You know, a bit like they do in Emmerdale and Corrie when crap happens to them - they just get in a taxi and go!

Now, I'm not going to be that spontaneous - that's a tad too drastic even for me! But I could go anywhere, couldn't I? New environment, new people, new work. Hmmm.

Someone said to me last week about us all having our own prisons. And maybe living here's mine. I love it here. I love my little house, I love the surroundings, I love people being friendly with me in the village, whilst not being intrusive. But I think too much has gone on whilst I've lived here - and it's probably best to move on elsewhere. I even want to get rid of all my furniture, which is a bit mad!

I have been thinking it's the situation with my job and soon-to-be-ex-hubby that's hemmed me in, and I guess they have - both situations have kind of 'defined' me in a way. Maybe this house is also part of my personal prison, despite loving it here.

I got to thinking about this again today as I received a letter about negotiations for a settlement from work. It's scary to think that chapter of my life will soon be over, yet there's also a sense of relief. And then there's anxiety about having to go back in to work to collect all my things. Wouldn't trust anyone to get them for me - and I'm sure half my resources have probably been nicked as it is! That's going to be an emotional few hours.

But where would I go? This needs further thought! Advice would be welcome!

Anyone need a lodger?!

Para xx

Traffic Cones

2007-06-21T11:26:00.000Z

I'd forgotten about the strange thing that happens to me when I see lots of orange traffic cones.

Not driven any great distance until fairly recently, so I'd managed to forget all about it! But having driven to Wiltshire and to the North East in the past week - my strange urge has returned!

If I see a line of traffic cones - I want to drive into them! I have this really strong urge just to drive through them and mess them all up. What is that all about? Maybe it's because they just look too uniform and tidy and I want to create a bit of chaos. I think it would be fun! What would the other drivers on the road think? What would the workmen think?

I am so weird aren't I?

Para xx

PS - Did you know that the average lifespan for a traffic cone is three months? You see, when you've lived with someone who made traffic cones for a living, you get to know ridiculous things like that! Hmmmmm, maybe that's the reason I want to cause cone chaos?

I've Baked a Cake!!

2007-06-20T12:41:00.000Z

I haven't done that for two years! Actually that's a lie. I remember making a very posh choccy cake when I had some friends round last year - a lot of effort for an OK cake!

The last time I did, I made a fruit cake for hubby's birthday - only he disappeared and so didn't eat it! I kept it in the cake tin for about six weeks, until his friend G persuaded me to throw it away! Strangely it hadn't gone mouldy.

But this is a lovely cake! Am not altogether sure how I'm gonna get it out of the cake box once I get to MusicMan, as it's a tight fit!

It looks less like this:

And more like this:

However, I'm sure it'll taste fab!

Para xxx

PS - If no-one hears from me or MusicMan for a while, it's cos we've developed food poisoning!

Blowing My Own Trumpet ... (No 2)

2007-06-19T10:47:00.000Z

This one was written by an ex-student. He was actually the student that Jem accused me of having a relationship with. Reading it always makes me quite emotional.

"My name is XXXX XXXXXXX and last year I completed the (Advanced Level Qualification). I have now taken a year out of studying and am preparing a business plan for a proposed business venture.

I started college studying a (Intermediate Level Qualification) and Para was my (subject)lecturer. In my first year of study, during the (subject) lectures I did struggle a lot due to the transition from school to college. However, Para gave me relevant guidance to prioritise issues in my life in order for me to settle into a college routine.

During the (subject) lectures I felt Para treated me as an adult and with respect and care. In the actual assignments, they were well laid out and broken down in order for me to have the time to complete them without them affecting other assignments’ due dates.

Through the help and support of Para I achieved a Merit and it helped me to get onto the (Advanced Level Qualification) course. I was very happy that I had succeeded and this was because of Para's support.

During the start of (Advanced Level Qualification) two year course I did have a lot of personal issues with my family and social life which affected my concentration and effort towards my college work. I snapped back out of the routine I had during the (Intermediate Level Qualification). Para took time out to sit down with me and again counsel me which enabled me to understand what was going on in my life. Not many people I have met in the past have given time out to help me and Para was the first one. This meant a lot to me as I saw Para as a mother figure and someone I could always go to if I had any problems.

During Para's (subject) lessons over this course, I found them very enjoyable. As well as concentrating on doing the work Para also allowed us to have the odd occasional joke. Para was always smartly dressed for lessons and well-organised. To her we were her ‘kids’ and she had to support us and give us her utmost best education, which basically met the college’s aim in striving for excellence. Para never brought any personal problems to college and was always a cheerful person. However she did know quite a large amount of information on outside college issues and what was going on in the community which helped her to understand her students. Para provided us, as well as with education also issues that would help us face outside college.

I personally found (subject) very enjoyable and my grades reflected that as I got Distinctions. My own tutor was Head of the Division. When it came down to doing our UCAS applications, we had to do them with our tutor. However though because he had such a responsible job, it was hard to find him to help us with the application. However Para personally volunteered to help me and others. Para personally sat down beside me and guided me through the UCAS application, which I completed and managed to send before the deadline date. This is just another example of how Para helped us and supported me.

I do see Para quite often as she comes shopping at my workplace. Whenever I see Para she’s still the same old Para, enjoying her teaching and enjoying her social life. We can stand there for hours and reminisce the three years I had at college and it is good to just stand there and laugh about embarrassing moments and the successful moments. I have known Para for over three years and I can say that even though she was my teacher, she could be called one of my best friends. If I was to give a breakdown of Para I would say she’s respectful, well organised, excellent communication skills and she would be right for any job in the teaching industry."

Where's the Kleenex?

Para xxx

Music Festivals

2007-06-19T09:26:00.000Z

I've never been to one. How did that happen, I wonder?

I've been to outdoor concerts. Three. All Simply Red. Oh, and a couple of classical ones. But I've never been to a music festival. I think it's probably because I've never been around people who want to go to them!

Well, all that's about to change. Hehehehehe!

There's a music festival near my home. I'd provide a link, but then it would identify where I live!! And then that weirdo Dave might come and demand to look at my boobs. Actually Dave, whoever you are, if you're a Tesser, just turn up at the next Leeds meet - usually some body parts being flashed there! Not always mine, admittedly!

So, anyway, back to the music festival. I've only heard of one of the groups. It's at a farm nearby - I've bought me ticket and applied to be a steward! I figure that I can't really go on my own (too shy for that), but if I'm working there it gives me a reason to be there.

My ticket came through yesterday. Am just awaiting confirmation that I'm a steward. If I'm not a steward - I'm stuffed! I'll have to go on me own! Aaaaargh! Plus I won't get my ticket cost back! Aaaaargh! Actually I've just realised that bit.

Oh well, what the hell - I'm sure it'll be fun!

Para xxx

A Wonderful Weekend ...

2007-06-18T19:18:00.000Z

... with my friends darn sarf!

This consists of my pal J, her hubby B and their two adorable girls A and E!

A is such a beautiful little girl, and a very talented ballet dancer. A very determined character who will succeed at anything she sets her heart to. And she's fearless - love watching her zoom about on the playground! She is so beautiful, she will break hearts when she's older!

E is such a cutey. She's just a little button. She has such an expressive face! She's has the most untidiest bedroom in the world! But she asked me to share her room with her whilst I stayed over! And she says just the cutest things!

B - is a fantastic cook and has a marvellous sense of humour - and has a fantastic way with the girls!

And J - is just fab and an inspiration, and a wonderful mum and friend.

Thanks for a great weekend guys.

Love you all

Para xxx

Another Bonkers Dream!!

2007-06-18T17:52:00.000Z

I had this at weekend.

I dreamt that I was at MusicMan's house and he made chicken pasta for tea.

Then he asked me if I'd like my rice pudding straight after that, as there was chocolate pudding for later. I replied that I'd have the rice pudding later, "I've not had that for years and I'm looking forward to it, and I'll have the choccy pudding for breakfast."

To which he replied, "Oh, you can't have it for breakfast because I'm making you bacon and eggs then."

The sheer inanity of it amuses me. What an utterly boring dream! Apart from the fact that the cuteness that is MusicMan was in it!

Para xxx

Blowing My Own Trumpet ... (No1)

2007-06-18T17:40:00.000Z

... Well someone has to!

So, my wonderful life coach suggested that in order to boost my confidence I get people to write positive things about me. So I shall reproduce them here. The first one is from my friend C.

Para is …

Enthusiastic and dedicated to students and always has good intentions towards their welfare.
Open, honest, trustworthy and reliable.
Very tolerant of others and endures stressful situations better than she thinks
Charitable, friendly and outgoing.
Adventurous and will have a go at anything
Resolute in anything she sets her mind to
Amenable and will sacrifice her own desires/plans to accommodate those of others.
Fun-loving and has a good sense of humour.
Acquiescent in many situations where others wouldn’t be, but willing to take calculated risks.

Para …
Goes above and beyond her normal duties for students’ welfare – even at the expense of her own.
Has the ability to empathise with people from a range of cultural and diverse backgrounds.
Can adapt to a range of needs, people and situations presented to her.
Evaluates situations and considers alternatives before planning.
Can laugh at herself.
Accepts people for who they are.
Endures a lot of shit proficiently.
Knows how to make the best of her assets.
Makes good chocolate cake.

It did help actually. I'd got into such a pickle with work constantly having a go at me, I felt completely worthless. So having people write nice things about me helped me to identify my strengths. And by doing that it has given me the confidence to tackle my weaknesses!

Para xxx

Nocturnal Nuttiness

2007-06-15T07:19:00.000Z

More mad dreams from Para!

Last night I dreamt that I was one of the dancers from the presentation on The Apprentice the other night!

I also had a pet chimpanzee (name unknown, but it was female) who came everywhere with me and sat on me hip. She was ever so cuddly. But no, she wasn't with me when I was dancing.

Then I dreamt that the Principal at work was a short fat woman called Barbara - and that she was a cyclops. Worryingly, everytime I looked at her I went cross-eyed - meaning that it actually looked like she had two eyes! And I was very self conscious about the fact that I went cross-eyed when I looked at her! She wouldn't give me a lever arch folder because the college couldn't afford it. She also didn't approve of my chimpanzee.

Para xxx

Para's Preferred Poetry # 2

2007-06-14T13:27:00.000Z

And today's are on the subject of money:

Hillaire Belloc's Fatigue always brings a wry smile to my face:

I'm tired of Love: I'm still more tired of Rhyme.

But Money gives me pleasure all the time.

And Richard Amour's Money poem, I can definitely relate to!

That money talks

I won't deny.

I heard it once.

It said, 'Goodbye.'

And now I really really must:

Hoover
Go for a swim
Do some work!

Para xx

Random Flower Thread

2007-06-14T13:08:00.000Z

I'm bursting with thoughts inside my head today, so there may be some very mad ramblings!

But anyway, I've been doing me housework today and I was sorting out my flowers, when i suddenly started to think about them.

I'm not a big flower fan, I'm not very green-fingered: in fact my house is almost completely devoid of any plants, with the exception of a spider plant, which horticulture at work have assured me I can't kill. It's hanging on to life - just. Horticulture know of my inability to grow plants, and so often donate things to me! I've never really understood why!

However, I buy myself some flowers every week. I've been doing this for about 12 months now. I never spend much on them, just a couple of pounds, but it's like a little treat for me! I usually buy carnations, because they're pretty and there's lovely colours. In fact I think the whole flower buying started after I was given flowers by some of the students at work! They were just so cheerful and pretty that I decided I deserved some every week! I even had to go out and buy vases to put them in!

And I've never really been the type of person who has liked getting flowers particularly. Ohmigod! I've just thought - does this mean I'm growing up? Noooooooooooo!! I'll be liking grown up gold jewellery next instead of silly silver and costume stuff!

Oh dear, I must stop thinking!

Para xxx

My Little Adventure ...

2007-06-14T10:14:00.001Z

... This is where I prove that I am daft rather than brave!

Well, the other night I met my mate Lurking for tea, in a town I'd never previously visited. Got there OK, but got completely lost on the way out! I ended up in a city - I only knew it was a city as I kept seeing signs for 'City Centre' - but there were no indications as to which city it might be, although logically I'd narrowed it down to two! And NG, you were minutes away from getting a frantic phone call for help, when I realised I wasn't in your city!!

I saw a sign for a village that I knew I'd driven through on the way to meeting Lurking; so I followed that and subsequent signs.

Then suddenly I realised where I was! I was on the road that would take me straight through the village where Biggles lived! How could I pass on an opportunity like this? I've drawn a line under the whole situation and accepted that I'll not get me money back - but I really just couldn't resist the thought of a confrontation with him!!

Really rather surprisingly, I managed to find where he lived. I parked up in the next street, stuck me hat on as a disguise (my hats are v recent additions to my wardrobe, and so if he were to see me, it wouldn't be obvious that it was me).

I skulked suspiciously round to his street - only to discover that his house is up for rent! How deflated did I feel? I'd mustered up all my confidence and bravery, I was ready for some verbal sparring and he doesn't even live there anymore! Aaaaaaargh!

To be honest, it was probably just as well he wasn't there - he can be a nasty piece of work reputedly, and I think my wellbeing is worth more than the £200 he's robbed from me!

Para xxx (who promises not to be so silly again!!)

Para's Preferred Poetry

2007-06-13T15:23:00.000Z

I like having a bit of a read of poetry. Usually I like silly stuff - not into the thought provoking kind of poems. I really like Wendy Cope. Here's the Fireworks Poem:

Write it in fire across the night:

Some men are more or less alright.

And Going Too Far:

Cuddling the new telephone directory

After I found your name in it

Was going too far.

It's a safe bet you're not hugging a phone book,

Wherever you are.

I bet you can see why I can relate to them!

Para xx

Sexy Parapiercing

2007-06-12T22:56:00.001Z

Thanks NG for that!!

Yaaaaay, today I had my belly button pierced!

Aaaaaaaargh - it now hurts!

Para xxx

I Don't Really Think I'm Normal ...

2007-06-12T09:45:00.001Z

... Or am I? You tell me!

You know you read about people with bipolar disorders being either deep in the depths of despair, or being on a complete high? Well, I'm not like that - but I do have these major swings from peace and tranquility to being totally over-excited!

I'm loving the feeling of peace at the moment. I just feel "yeah, that's it". I feel calm and relaxed and at one with myself - which sounds so terribly cliched! But I do - I'm me, and I really rather like me! I feel really rather chilled and contented.

But then, I get really over-excited at the smallest things! Maybe it's something I've read, or a job I've applied for, or a compliment I've been given, or chatting to someone online - just really small things. It's strange!

That's not to say though that, for all I have a sense of peace and I have my over-exciteable moments, I don't have my down times. Last week I had two very down days. Very down. But I just pretend to people that I'm OK and I deal with it myself, go with the flow. Those are the days I really miss cuddles.

One day at a time - it's another cliche, but one I have to live by at the moment!

Para xxx

I admit to having been ...

2007-06-12T09:27:00.000Z

... a tad emotional this morning.

It's all to do with the policeman who was knifed in the neck, PC Jon Henry.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/beds/bucks/herts/6743301.stm

He just looks like such a lovely man, and now his wife is a widow and his little girl will never even remember her daddy. And that just upsets me.

The death of police officers always gets me and I don't understand why. Maybe it's because I don't expect the job of a police officer to be such a dangerous one. Firemen enter blazing buildings, people in the military expect to be involved with violence and conflict. But a police officer? I don't expect them to be killed in the line of duty. They're there to catch burglars and murderers and rapists - not to be stabbed in the neck by some loony.

Perhaps it's because I can empathise with their vulnerability. What happened to PC Henry could happen to any teacher. I've taught some criminal and violent people and it just makes me realise how vulnerable we are.

Later today I'm meeting one such student. He's been up in court for violent acts. I can't remember what - I prefer not to think about what he's done, and prefer to think about him as a person, an individual. I feel a strong sense of responsibility towards him as I know other members of staff - and in particular his personal tutor - have been trying to get rid of him for the past two years. Purely on the basis of his personality, although I know that would be denied.

He has a natural aptitude for my subject specialism and, as such, we have formed a very good working relationship. he knows he can trust me. All I can hope for is that I can help make a difference to him, and perhaps that'll mean one less needless violent death in the future.

Para xxx

Men ...

2007-06-11T09:57:00.000Z

... I have been accused of having a 'predatory' approach to blokes!

However, having just started dating in the past six months, I've been lucky enough to meet a number of different men. And it's really good, cos I now know what I prefer in a man!

That sounds odd, but when you've been with someone for such a long time (had been with hubby for 11 years, although only wed for two before he disappeared) it's a bit like trying a box of chocolates and seeing which ones you prefer!!

I should do some wonderful analogy of the blokes and chocolates - but I can't think of anything! Although I guess the ones I prefer are like caramels, sweet, tasty, take their time and leave a pleasant taste. Although your jaw might ache.

So I spose the others are nuts! A quick fix, nice at the time, but leaving bits that stick around annoyingly.

Anyway, that was a very poor attempt there Para.

But, I think I prefer the more gentle, softly, softly approach that I've experienced with two blokes. And I'm not talking sex here!! I'm talking attitude! There's more of a respect for me as an individual. And that's good. I like that. The ones who want to drag me into bed and talk about having babies and living together make me feel a tad suspicious of their motives! They might be exciting - but you're left with a deep sense of unease, instead of feeling smiley inside!

Yup, definitely feeling blonde today.

Para xx

Who on Earth ...

2007-06-11T08:25:00.000Z

... told the birds it'd be OK to wake up at 3.30am and start singing?

Here's me with me sleep problems - and the blinkin birds just aren't helping at all.

I'm doing me relaxation stuff, counting back from 10 to 1, imagining a lovely place where I'd like to be - getting off to sleep fine. But then the little sods wake me up with their singing and it's more difficult to get back to sleep then grrrrrrrrr.

I was going to have a very organised week this week, was gonna get up at 7.30am every morning and do some work stuff, then have nice afternoons to do what I want. But this morning I woke up at 9am - so it's not got off to a good start thanks to them pesky birds.

Oh well, I can try again tomorrow.

Para xxx (Who's a tad grumpy this morning and in need of cuddles!!)

Para The Murderer

2007-06-10T21:34:00.000Z

I don't know why - but I'd never really realised that spiders ate great big whopping flies.

I've been horrified to witness the demise of two flies I was trying to let out of the windows this week - and it make me quite upset! How totally irrational is that?! They were buzzing really madly, and there wasn't a thing I could do cos the spiders had got them!

Then as I was coming home the other day, there was a squirrel dithering in the road - and I squashed it. I tried not to. I closed my eyes. I swerved, but crunch - I got it.

I got it right in the spot where I killed the bird last week. Worryingly, I closed my eyes and swerved for that too. I really must sort out this closing of eyes and swerving business. Especially when it's at the spot where my next door neighbour was killed in his car.

So I'm responsible for the death of four living things this week.

I'm a bad girl. How can I redeem myself?

Para xx

Pyjamarama

2007-06-09T20:04:00.000Z

I am so addicted to jim jams.

I have lots and lots of pairs. Some are just like tracky bottoms and a vest top, but others are like proper traditional jim jams, there's a shorty set and some cutey ones.

These are my faves:

But, I just can't stop buying new ones!!!! I'm doing well, I've not bought any this month!

I guess, if I can't wear a man to bed, I shall wear me jim jams!

Para xxx

The Snooze Monster ...

2007-06-07T11:28:00.001Z

... keeps attacking me and I don't know why!

It's usually after breakfast! Why is breakfasting so exhausting?

It is annoying me now as I could be doing productive things and instead I just keep falling asleep. In fact, I'm gonna go for a snooze now before I fall asleep at the keyboard!

Para xx

Waking Up ...

2007-06-07T10:57:00.000Z

... it's a good thing to do! Especially when you consider the alternative!

I enjoyed waking up this morning - which might seem a strange comment to make, but it made me remember that I haven't always felt like that!

Following my suspension from work and the realisation of what Jem had done to me I developed a number of strange psychological symptoms over which I had no control. I think I've already written about them, but they included panic attacks; being afraid of being around people I didn't know; a fear of alcohol and pubs and drunken people; not being able to drive anywhere other than Asda or me mum's! And the worst one of all was the images that appeared in my head as I woke up. They were so horrible that I can't write about them and the only person I've ever told what they were is my counsellor.

My symptoms have subsided now - I'm better at pubs, I've not had a panic attack for six months - and I can drive to places I don't know now!! And I'm enjoying meeting new people - OK, maybe I've gone a bit overboard on that one, but am making up for lost time!

And I've not had the horrible images when i wake up for a long time - and I've only just realised!

That's because I had a lovely image in my head when I woke up this morning! It was an image of a smiley faced, curly haired person asleep on me! Which was very very pleasant, I have to say!

Para xxx

Para's Perfect Paperback Prize ...

2007-06-06T19:51:00.000Z

... goes to:

Anthony McGowan! For his marvellously witty and touching book "Henry Tumour" - the story of a teenager with a talking brain tumour!

http://www.randomhouse.co.uk/catalog/extractcb.htm?command=search&db=main.txt&eqisbndata=0385608616

Go out and buy it now!!!! Compulsive reading. Am looking forward to visiting a book shop soon to buy Hellbent!

And he deserves to win a prize for taking the time out to chat with Lilysmum and myself on the TES website! I'm not sure that there's many authors would do that.

Just thought you might like to win somet from Lancashire Tony!! And your prize is that wonderful Lancashire delicacy: http://www.agalinks.com/ImagesHide/Lancashire_Hotpot.jpg

Para xx

Smiley People

2007-06-06T10:04:00.000Z

Well, I guess there's at least two of us in the world today!

And that's all I'm saying cos some things are too good to share!!

OK, I can't not say anything me, can I? So what I will say is that it's nice to know there are some decent men in the world. It's good to know that not all men with that name are weirdos.

And I think this could be fun!

Para xxx (who's looking forward to a cookery lesson!!)

Dear Mr Hypnosis ...

2007-06-05T07:36:00.000Z

... You so know that you're not gonna be able to resist having another look at this!!

Welcome to Para's mad world. Being honest and open about things is helping me to become more self aware and is very therapeutic. And I figure that if anyone can read this blog and still want to be a part of my mad life, then there's somet special about that person (I'm not being soppy here and speaking about you specifically! Am talking generally! Just wanted to get that clear!!)

Sooooooo, I just want to publicly say: THANK YOU, for:

Enabling me to get back off to sleep quicker when I woke up in the middle of the night.
Reading my blog and being such a good sport about things! (You know what things I mean there!)
Agreeing to help KT.
Saying you'll help me with my sleep problem. (Am not letting you forget that matey!)
Having such an amazing voice!
Being such good fun!
My gift - but you do realise who I think about when I use it? lol!

I do hope we can become great friends, because you're just the type of person I'd like in my life - even if only in a small way. Now I am on the verge of being soppy there, so I'll quit whilst I'm ahead!!

Para xxx

PS - There was one thing I didn't mention in the post about you regarding your visit to my home, which maybe I should have! lol! That'll get you wondering!

PPS - Do I get one of your fab hugs now? Aaaaaaaaaaw, go on, you know you wanna!

A Finger of Fudge is Just Enough ...

2007-06-04T15:18:00.000Z

... I am currently addicted to Cadbury's Fudges. I have two for breakfast each day

When I was a little girl, I remember at my Grandad's shop that Mr Sunblest - the bread delivery man - would always buy me a Fudge. They were five pence in them days. And when we used to go and visit my Nan at the canteen where she worked, she always gave me a Fudge!

A Cadbury's Fudge was the reason why NotGeoffrey's one and only post to be removed from TES was, in fact, removed. I was confessing my love for them - and NG was being rude!!

One, sure-fire way of getting into my good books is to present me with a Fudge, or two!

I also found this, which amused me:

http://smylexxious.blogspot.com/2007/02/fudge.html

Para xx (awaiting box loads of Fudges from all her lovely friends and admirers!)

The Gym

2007-06-04T14:24:00.000Z

I'm writing this because I've just come back from there and K and J were looking at my blog. So I thought they deserved a mention!

I think that they like me being a member there for entertainment purposes. My mad love life is a great source of amusement to them!

They've been taking trying to scare me today because of that poor woman who's been murdered after going on a date. I'm sure they only did it because they care soooooo much about me!!

Thanks lads.

Para xx

The Trouble With Writing This Blog is ...

2007-06-04T11:06:00.000Z

... it has the potential to upset people.

Now, I'm not too bothered about people not actually liking what I've written because they're generally offended, or try to be moralistic. They can stuff off; if they don't like it, they don't have to read it. I'm concerned about specific people.

I'm not too concerned about Biggles or Mr Lorry Driver - particularly Biggles, cos let's face it, he deserves a thorough slagging off!

But I'm not sure if Mr Hypnosis has read it, or indeed if he even knows of its existence. But I really wouldn't want him to be offended by anything I wrote about him - I don't think I was unkind, was I?

And then a certain person might read a certain post and think that I might be thinking that about him. When that certain person is actually helping me overcome my insecurity thanks to his consideration.

Anyway that's enough wittering for today!! I just needed to get that off me chest!

Para xxx

This is MY Blog ...

2007-06-03T21:17:00.001Z

... and I can do what I want!!!

So am putting this in cos I like it!!!

Para xxx

Bra Sandwich

2007-06-03T21:00:00.000Z

This is all about my mad dreams!

Bra Sandwich has to be the maddest of them all so far!

I dreamt that I had a loaf of Warburton's Toastie (you know, the one in the orange and white packet) and four white bras.

Bra number one was a pretty, white, padded La Senza number - one I usually wear with a tit top cos it gives me a good cleavage! Bra number two was a lovely white, lacey M&S bra - one of my current faves; Bra number three was a new one of mine, again white, quite a pretty one; bra number four - I really can't remember!

So, I take a slice of bread and butter it. Now in me dream it was normal sized bread, but if you think about lying bras on a piece of bread - it'd need to be huge!!! Maybe not if your bra size is 28AA, but a 34F demands a larger slice of bread!

I buttered the bread, then lay all the four bras on in the order I've described them above. Then I thought: "four? That's greedy" and so I took number four off - which is possibly why I can't remember it!

I then put the other piece of bread on the top and cut the bread, so that the bras were cut down the centre bit. I then ate the sandwich.

Now, I know what you're all wondering: "What did it taste of?"

And all I can say is that it tasted like, erm, a bra sandwich!

But this does demonstrate the peculiarity of my dreams at the moment. Because I rarely sleep straight through the night, I also tend to have lots of silly little ones!

However, this is not a complaint - I love my dreams!

Para xx